simon_doctor | (no subject)

(no subject)

Simon's gone over it in his head a dozen times, written it out and studied it as intently as though expecting to find a code hidden in it.

~~I'm going to~~ I think I should stay down here till she wakes up.

He's almost sure that's what he wrote, at the time. And he's quite sure that's when Kaylee's mood changed. You didn't have to cross it out, she'd said, or similar; and he'd said, I know.

And that upset her, and he doesn't know why.

Which is the main reason he's hesitating outside the door to the engine room.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"I ... when was I ...?"

~~I'm going to~~ I think I should, he'd written.

Kaylee doesn't want to go through all of this.

Her eyes close.

She says, almost as though reciting, "You crossed out that you were gonna stay downstairs. If you're gonna do somethin', go on and do it. There's no call for you to change that around. 'Specially when it's about you lookin' out for River."

Pause.

"It's like you don't think I'm gonna understand."

"Kaylee..."

The edge of the crate bites into his fingers.

"That's not what I meant by it at all. I was trying -- "

Frustration.

It's ridiculous that it should be harder to put things into words now than it was when they couldn't speak at all.

Her eyes open. She's not looking at him.

She's waiting.

"I was trying not to be ... brusque about it. It wasn't a situation where I needed to say that's my decision, that's what I'm doing. There are enough of those. I thought...."

He runs a hand over the back of his neck.

"I thought I was offering you a voice in the matter."

His mouth twitches a moment later at the irony of his choice of words.

And she doesn't say anything else, for a while.

"Surprised me." Finally. "When you asked me to help sort out River's letters. We all look after her, I know that, but -- we all know you're the one in charge, by yourself, when it comes to the things that're even halfway important. That's how it is. I didn't think that'd ever change at all. Not even that little bit."

Simon just looks at her, for a moment.

"By myself," he repeats helplessly.

"Kaylee, for the longest time there just wasn't anyone else. I was in charge of her, alone, because I had to be. And I still have to be in charge, but...."

Beat.

"I'd hoped to start being a little less alone in it."

She flinches.

And without looking at him, stands, and circles around to the crate, where she sits behind him.

And wraps her arms around his stomach, and lowers her head against his shoulder.

Muffled: "I'm sorry."

He turns, just the little bit necessary to put his arms around her.

"Ai ren," he murmurs against her hair.

"Just that..."

She lifts her head. Rests her right hand on his shoulder, by his neck.

"Things keep changin' now that we don't have to stay on the run. And I don't know -- what you want me to do, what you want me to stay out of. With River, with letters, with your folks -- any of that."

He studies her.

"I ... can't think of anything in particular I want you to stay out of."

Beat.

"Is there anything you don't want to be involved in?"

"I don't know." Soft. "I'll at least try to do whatever you want, but...I got to know what you want for that to do any good. It's -- if you're tryin' to give me more of a voice in things -- I didn't know that's what you wanted."

That last is said with just a little bewilderment.

"And I maybe should've, but...things've changed. Is all."

(A lot can change in a year.)

"Things've changed," he nods. "They're still changing."

(Or in ten minutes, sometimes.)

"We'll have to keep ... keep talking about things, I guess. As they change. As we become aware of them."

Kaylee nods.

And pauses.

And says, "Assumin' we can talk."

...

"Yes," he says gravely. "There is that."

Kaylee shakes her head, and tilts her head back, looking at the engine casing.

And looks back at Simon.

Thoughtfully.

He looks back at her.

With a look that says: ...what?

"Tryin' to decide whether or not I want to cut out early."

So very thoughtfully.

"Hmm."

He studies the engine casing.

Innocently.

A sidelong look.

"You got an opinion?"

Beat.

"See? We're talkin'."

"Well-ll..."

He draws out the word, just a little.

"If you're not doing anything that has to be finished tonight...."

"Could stand to be put off a day. Don't tell Mal I said so."

"In that case, I'd have to say that yes, I do have an opinion. In favor."

He's grinning.

"Don't suppose you got any ideas how to fill this free evenin' we got in front of us," she says, smile in no way knowing.

"We could play mah-jongg," he deadpans.